


Can I go where you go?

by WeirdV



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Army AU, Falling In Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, M/M, Memories, Military, Modern AU, Pining, Secret Relationship, Serum enhanced Steve, Steve and Becca become friends, Stucky - Freeform, angt, flashbacks of bucky and steve, not captain america steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:28:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22637596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdV/pseuds/WeirdV
Summary: Becca looks so much like Bucky it aches. She frowns at him, staring at the stranger in her doorway. Oh, god. This was a mistake, he thinks to himself. He should leave, leave her be. But he can’t make himself turn around or walk away. Not after his promise.Besides, it’s not like he has anywhere else to go.“Uhm, hi” he says, “Sorry – I’m uh.”“Can I help you?” she asks, there’s music playing inside – some kind of movie credits on the TV screen. The kitchen looks like a mess.“I – Bucky” he swallows, this all went much easier in his head, “Bucky asked me to – to check on you. If anything – uhm – happened.”“Oh’ she frowns for a second, “Are you Stevie?”“Steve Rogers” he says, a slight nod – something inside him twists at hearing the nickname. An echo of Bucky saying it in the middle of the night ringing in his ears.“Look – I know what he’s like. But I don’t really need a babysitter” she says, “I’m fine.”“I’m not” he says.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 13
Kudos: 234





	1. And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

**Author's Note:**

> see end notes for spoilers of a happy ending?
> 
> This fic is a rewrite of my previous fic, which was one I liked but I felt deserved more attention.  
> Chapter two will come soon.

When her brother goes missing, everything goes kind of hazy. It’s like a fog settles over her brain and it doesn’t disappear. Always kind of there. The thing is, she knew the risks. Of course she knew. The moment he told her that he was shipping out, she hugged him for 5 minutes straight. She knew there was a risk, she just didn’t expect it to happen like this. She figured, at one point a man in uniform would show up and tell her that Bucky was dead. Either that, or he’d come home. She had expected there to be a body, some clarity about what had happened. Not this torturous twilight of hope and despair that washes over her in waves.

[…]

Steve meets Bucky in training. He doesn’t think much of the man, except a fleeting thought of his jawline. Sharp enough to cut glass. He thinks about how this man was probably a popular jock in school, the kind of guy to push Steve into the lockers. Steve might look like a jock now, but he wasn’t always.

Bucky gets on his radar though, after mouthing back to their superior. And then he gets paired with Bucky on a drill and everything kind of – unravels.

_“Stop distracting me!” Bucky shouts, pulling at his hair, “God, you’re always so – how do you do it?”_

_“What are you talking about?” Steve answers, a bit dumbfounded at the sudden outburst. They’re in the middle of nowhere, nothing to rely on but their map and their bags of camping supplies. Given 48 hours to get back to base._

_“Your – your” he gestures at Steve, “everything. God, sometimes I just want to!”_

_“Want to what?” Steve asks, taking a step towards him, “Sometimes you just want to what? James.”_

_“My name is Bucky.”_

_“What is it you want to do?” he asks, taking another step closer, “You want to punch me? Make me stop? Go ahead.”_

_“I don’t want to punch you” he says, sounding frustrated, “You’re killing me, Stevie. Please.”_

_It’s the nickname that calms him down, kind of shocks him, “Bucky?”_

_“I don’t know, okay” he says, taking a deep breath, “These things I want to do – I never.”_

_“You never what, Bucky?” he asks, voice soft, barely a whisper, “Tell me.”_

_He lifts his hand letting it hover between him for a second, before Steve grabs it and pulls at him, making him stumble against him._

_“Stevie” he whispers, “please?”_

_His eyes flicker down, at his lips, and that’s the moment Steve acts, closing that final gap between them. Bucky’s hands shoot up immediately, fingers creeping up the back of his neck._

_A sudden sound causes them to jump apart._

_“This is a bad idea” Steve mutters, “We could get kicked out if they caught us.”_

_“I don’t care” Bucky sighs, a shiver running down his spine, “Please.”_

_“Bucky, I want this” he replies softly, “I really do – but we can’t risk it. Not now. Not yet.”_

_“Okay” he takes a deep breath, taking a step backwards, “Later.”_

_“Yes, later” he says, “Now, let’s get to base.”_

Steve doesn’t remember what exactly happens. He remembers someone telling him about Bucky going missing, that he didn’t come back with them.

He remembers getting angry, and going out to find him.

He remembers getting held back and being put onto a plane, sent back to the USA, because he couldn’t be trusted with his actions. 

“Take your leave” they tell him, Steve knows he can’t argue. He doesn’t get a choice, because if he did, he’d stay. Leaving without Bucky is so wrong on so many levels.

He also knows they won’t be looking for Bucky. Too dangerous.

They write him up as M.I.A.

Might as well be a death sentence.

He has two more panic attacks before he gets on the plane, and another small one as he’s standing in front of his door.

[…]

Becca looks so much like Bucky it aches. She frowns at him, staring at the stranger in her doorway. _Oh, god. This was a mistake_ , he thinks to himself. He should leave, leave her be. But he can’t make himself turn around or walk away. Not after his promise.

Besides, it’s not like he has anywhere else to go.

“Uhm, hi” he says, “Sorry – I’m uh.”

“Can I help you?” she asks, there’s music playing inside – some kind of movie credits on the TV screen. The kitchen looks like a mess.

“I – Bucky” he swallows, this all went much easier in his head, “Bucky asked me to – to check on you. If anything – uhm – happened.”

“Oh’ she frowns for a second, “Are you Stevie?”

“Steve Rogers” he says, a slight nod – something inside him twists at hearing the nickname. An echo of Bucky saying it in the middle of the night ringing in his ears.

“Look – I know what he’s like. But I don’t really need a babysitter” she says, “I’m fine.”

“I’m not” he says, he didn’t mean to say that. Obviously, he’s here to help her, not to burden her. He needs to help her, be useful.

“Excuse me?” she looks confused.

“I’m sorry, it’s just” he takes a deep breath, “I promised him. They sent me home, and I don’t – I don’t have any family to go home to. All I have is the promise I made to him.”

She looks over her shoulder into her apartment and seems to think for a moment, “They sent you home?” she asks, he nods, “You got a place to stay?”

He shakes his head, “Was going to check into a motel.”

“Okay – maybe you can – uhm – sleep on the couch” she says, hesitantly, “Just for a night.”

He nods, “Sure” she steps aside and lets him in, gesturing for him to take off his boots, “Thank you.”

“You and my brother” she says, he looks vaguely familiar and she remembers her brother mentioning him a few times, “You were close?”

“Went to training together” he says, then swallows again, “Kinda stuck together since then. I got his back, he got mine.”

“Yeah?” she laughs sarcastically, “didn’t do a great job, I guess.”

“Yeah” he looks down, “I wasn’t with him. Just the sniper team. I’m not a sniper – I’m close combat.”

“Yeah, the jerk always had perfect aim” she says, “Should’ve seen him at the bar on Saturday nights. Playing darts for money with the drunks, taking them for all their cash.”

“He used to do that back at base a few times” he smiles, “Until they told him to stop.”

“Oh, I bet he hated that!”

“He definitely did” he smiles, trying and failing to suppress a yawn that follows.

“Had a long flight?” she asks, he nods, “I’ll go get some pillows and blankets, why don’t you get changed in the bathroom.”

[…]

Becca sighs, looking at the man sleeping on her couch.

She remembers Bucky mentioning him in some of his phone calls. The few that she got from him. She remembers a rare moment the guy showed up in the background of one of his video calls.

At least he doesn’t snore. She checks her watch, wondering if the mailman would’ve come yet by now. She hasn’t left the apartment in three days – ever since she got the news. It is nine thirty, and usually he delivers around nine, so she’ll take a gamble. 

She grabs her keys before heading out and glancing at Steve one more time to make sure he’s still asleep before sneaking out as quietly as possible.

When she arrives back upstairs he’s awake, sitting up on the couch and looking a bit dazed. As if he’s trying to remember where he is.

“Hi” she smiles, “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah, I did” he smiles weakly, more out of politeness, “Thanks.”

“You can take a shower” she says, “There’s clean towels.”

“Thanks” he nods, taking his bag and going to the bathroom.

She looks through the letters, frowning at one in particular as she recognizes the handwriting.

[…]

Dear Becca

Sorry I haven’t been writing you more, life over here is busy.

I’m heading out tomorrow, a mission that [redacted]

Thing is, apparently it’s not like the things we’ve been doing so far. Everyone is quite gloomy about it, acting like it’s a death sentence to leave on this mission.

Some of [redacted] just in case. But that’s not really my style, you know.

All I did was ask my buddy, Steve, to look after you if anything happened to me. Truth is, I know you don’t need it.

He needs you.

So yeah, I sent him your way, because I need you to help him out. He doesn’t have anyone, Becs. His parents died before he enlisted, all his buddies are in the army. He needs someone like you, because you’ll be good for him like you were good for me.

He’s a good guy, sis. You’ll like him. He’s got a moral code to admire. Let him think you need him. And make sure he’s okay.

I need him to be okay.

Lots of love

Bucky.

She just finished reading when he walks back in, hair still dripping and shirt thrown over his shoulder.

“Thanks for letting me stay” he says, “If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know. I’ll get out of your hair soon!”

“You don’t have to” she says, “I mean – I wouldn’t mind some company, to be honest. With Bucky gone it’s really quiet in here.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, “I mean, I don’t want to intrude.”

“Are you handy?” she asks, he nods, “Would you be able to fix some things around the place? I’ve been asking my brother for years, but he’s got two left hands when it comes to repairs.”

“Just make me a list” he says, “And if you’re sick of me, just let me know and I’ll find other accommodations.”

“I will” she hesitates for a moment, “You don’t have to sleep on the couch. I’m sure Bucky wouldn’t mind you using his room.”

Steve freezes, staring at her, “Oh?” he says, not sure what to do next, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah” she smiles weakly, “Pretty sure Bucky would kill me if he found out I made you sleep on that lumpy old couch.”

He smiles again, it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and pulls his shirt off his shoulder to finally put it on. Revealing a small B tattooed on his chest. There’s a fleeting though of what it might stand for, but she doesn’t ask. It’s not her place.

[…]

Steve opens the door into Bucky’s bedroom. He’s been there before, only once. Not that Becca knows. She was on a trip to Italy with her then boyfriend. He and Bucky had gotten two days leave, not much, but he never told Becca. Didn’t want her to cancel the holiday she’d been looking forward to for so long.

They’d only come back there to sleep, spending the rest of their free time roaming the city, eating good food, watching a movie that’d just come out. It was only two days, but they were good.

[…]

_“Are you sure you don’t want to call your sister?” Steve asks, feeling giddy at the freedom of getting to hold his hand open and freely._

_“She’d just be mad at herself for not being here” he says, “She hasn’t been on a trip since she got saddled with me. I don’t want to take this from her”_

_“You’re her brother, I doubt she saw it as being saddled with you” he says, squeezing his hand softly, “Tell me the truth, Bucky.”_

_“I don’t think I’m ready to tell her about this yet” he whispers, “What if she doesn’t – “_

_“She loves you” he says, “Of course she will.”_

_“I don’t know” he shrugs, “We never talked about stuff like this. Ever since mom and dad died – things like relationships. We didn’t discuss.”_

_“You’ve dated before, right?”_

_“I had hookups, babe” he admits, “She’s shared the kitchen table with scarcely dressed women on the morning after, but that’s about it.”_

_“No men?”_

_“Not really” he admits, “Before I met you, I never thought about it. At least, I don’t think I did.”_

_“What do you mean?” he asks, frowning at him as Bucky looks at his hands._

_“I don’t know” he shrugs, “After you and I happened, I started thinking. And I guess I did look at other men, thinking they were attractive. But I never really figured it was because I wanted anything out of it? I just really wanted to be their friend, be close to them. I was only ever into girls, at least, that’s what I thought.”_

_“And now?”_

_“I guess I’m bi?” he says, “I still look at girls, the way I used to. But now, with you – I guess the idea of being with guys doesn’t sound so – unlike me?”_

_“We all go through our own journey” Steve shrugs, “As long as you’re only looking at me right now.”_

_“I have eyes for nobody else” he grins, “What about you? How did you know?”_

_“Spin the bottle when I was 15” he shrugs, “The bottle landed on Jack Carter, and we kissed. And then after the bottle landed on Sally Jones, and we kissed too. Only one of those kisses made me feel things.”_

_“Jack Carter, huh?” Bucky grins, “What happened to him?”_

_“We used to make-out in empty alleyways” he grins, “Then his family moved away because his dad got a new job.”_

_“End of the whirlwind love story?” he asks, Steve grins again._

_“When I turned 18, I traveled across the country to see him again” he says, “We had a lovely reunion, and then a lovely goodbye.”_

_“He your first, huh?” Bucky asks, Steve nods._

_“We never planned on actually being a couple, but it was nice” he says, “Having that first time with someone you know. Someone you trust.”_

_“I trust you” Bucky mumbles, taking a step closer._

_“I trust you too” he replies, letting Bucky place his hands on him, smiling at the bright face before him._

_“You know – my place isn’t actually far from here” he says, “If you’re ready to turn in for the night.”_

_“You know, I think I might be.”_

_[…]_

The bed is unmade, it looks like nobody’s been in there since that weekend. There’s dirty clothes thrown over a chair by the door, one of them is Steve’s shirt. One he thought he’d lost, actually.

There’s a bottle of water on the nighstand, and the smell of Bucky hangs in the room so strongly he needs a moment to recollect himself.

There’s a desk in the corner, a bunch of papers strewn across it. On top of it is a list, a to-do list. Bucky makes to-do lists all the damn time, it’s frustrating.

  1. Come out to Becca
  2. Tell Steve I love him
  3. Grow old with Steve



There’s only one item crossed of the list. There’s a picture of the two of them next to it. Steve vaguely remembers Dugan taking it with his Polaroid and promising he would send it to Bucky’s address. Looks like he kept his promise.

He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to hold on to that memory. That night before they shipped out, drinking and laughing together, acting like they weren’t scared and putting on a brave face.

Bucky holding his hand for the first time, telling him they’d be okay.

That flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, they could be something someday. Something more than stolen moments and whispers when they thought nobody could hear.

He takes another deep breath, taking a step towards the bed and sitting down on it, grabbing the pillow Bucky slept on and pressing it into his face. He fights the urge to scream into it, Becca would hear, and just inhales.

There’s a soft knock on the door.

“Steve?” Becca asks, he puts down the pillow and she opens the door, “I was gonna go get some groceries. Want to join me to the store?”

“Uh, yeah” he nods, getting up and trying not to wobble.

“You okay?” she asks, he nods.

“Yeah, it’s just” he looks around, “A lot. Being here again.”

She freezes, and so does he.

“Again?” she asks, her eyes narrowing at him, “When were you here?”

“Shit” he mutters, then looks up, “Last summer… when you were in Italy?”

“With my brother?”

“Yes” he admits, “He didn’t want to tell you, didn’t want you to cancel your vacation. We just walked around the city, and then came back here to sleep before heading back.”

“Oh” she says quietly, “I – yeah. That sounds like him.”

“He talked about you a lot” he says, “kept saying I would like you, but that we’d probably gang up against him.”

She stares at Steve for a moment, as if she’s not sure what to say next. And then she smiles again, “Thanks, for telling me” she says, “We should go, store closes for lunch.”

He grabs his jacket and his shoes – leaving his army boots by the door – and follows her out.

[…]

Steve is nice to have around the house. He is indeed handy, he’s fixed the creaky door and the crooked shower curtain rod already. He joins her when she watches her terrible reality shows, and he’s funny.

It’s just - sometimes he gets really quiet, and sad. And she understands that he is worried about Bucky. But she’s afraid to ask, they don’t actually talk about it. At all. Maybe they should.

But she’s seen him, glancing at Bucky’s picture on the bookshelf. The one from when he did boxing in high school, his hair plastered against his forehead in sweat, holding up a first place prize and looking proud as hell.

She caught him wanting to reach out and touch it, and then dropping his hand as if he got burnt.

His name hangs between them, and she’s not sure what to do.

“He’s not – dead” she says, one evening, “Just missing, right?”

“Yes” he replies, he turns to look at her, as if he’s trying to comfort her.

“What – what does that mean? For him?” she asks.

“Honestly, I don’t know” he sighs, “I don’t know enough about the mission he was on. But since he’s a sniper, it was probably not safe to go in close. If they got him, then they grabbed him. And either he’s” he swallows, not saying the word, “Or he’s been taken prisoner.”

“And if he’s a prisoner?”

“Well, either they end up…” he doesn’t say it, “or they end up doing another raid and they free him – or, he escapes.”

“So he could be dead and we’d never even know?” she asks, Steve nods, turning his eye away, “What do you think?”

“I – I think that Bucky is a stubborn little shit” he says, “Way too charming for his own good… I think he’s alive.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah” he says, “Has to be – because if he isn’t…”

He swallows the rest of the sentence, and Becca doesn’t push the issue. Steve’s keeping something from her, and she’s not sure what it is. She’s afraid to ask.

They mostly share memories of him. Fun anecdotes, or little habits he has. They talk about him in the present. And Becca knows that until they put his dead body in front of her, she’ll never believe he’s gone.

[…]

The doorbell rings and when Becca opens the door, there’s a girl standing there. She looks vaguely familiar, long blonde hair and tiny.

“Hi” she says, “Can I help you?”

“I heard about Bucky” she says, she looks on the verge of tears, “I don’t know if he told you about me?”

Steve is sitting on the couch, glancing at her curiously.

“I don’t know who you are” she replies, the girl looks at her feet.

“Bucky and I were going out before he left” she says, “We were pretty serious, but we broke up because he didn’t want me to wait for him.”

Becca can feel Steve get behind her, and when she glances over her shoulder he’s frowning at the girl.

“What’s your name?” Becca asks.

“Stella” she says, “I’m sure he must have mentioned me.”

“He has” Steve says, “Said you went out on two dates, but that there wasn’t anything.”

[…]

_“So” Steve says as Bucky shuffles closer to him in bed, “Tell me something nobody knows.”_

_“My last evening before I enlisted, I figured I should actually try dating for real” he says, “I got onto this app, and I met up with this girl – Stella.”_

_“Love at first sight?”_

_“It was strange, the first date went really well” he says, “We hooked up, at her place. And then two days later we met up again and she was weird. She kept texting me the whole time.”_

_“Seriously?” he asks._

_“I didn’t know what to think” he says, “I mean – she seemed like a sweet girl. At first I thought it was kinda nice, having someone show interest in what I was doing. But then we met up again – and she started interrogating me, asking why I didn’t reply to all her texts, or why I took so long to reply?”_

_[…]_

Becca isn’t sure what to think of this girl. Bucky didn’t talk a lot about his dates, apart from the occasional awkward breakfast with a girl the morning after. Honestly, she doesn’t even remember this one, and she looks like someone she’d remember. The girl is stunning, absolutely gorgeous. But at this moment, she believes it when Steve says he doesn’t know her.

“Please leave” she says eventually.

The woman stares at her, “You don’t understand, Bucky and I, we were –“

“Becca asked you to leave” Steve says, taking a step forward, “I’d like you to respect her request, or I’ll call the police!”

“Fine” she huffs, “But you’ll see. We are in love!”

She turns on her heels and leaves, leaving Steve and Becca alone in stunned silence.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks after a minute or two, closing the door in front of them, Becca nods.

“Yeah, absolutely” she grins, “Actually not the first girl that came to my door saying she had a connection with Bucky.”

“It wasn’t?” Steve asks, “Quite the ladies’ man, huh?”

“Honestly, I’m not even sure” he says, “He went on a lot of dates, but he never got serious with any of them. I think he just liked the attention, and was kind of looking for something specific.”

“Something specific?” Steve repeats, frowning at her, “Any idea what?”

“Not really” she shrugs, “But lately, I thought maybe he found it. In his calls, he always sounded so, calm. Maybe it was being overseas and having something to do, but I kind of suspected he might have met someone.”

“What made you think that?”

“I don’t know, actually” she says, “I know him well. Did you notice anything? Or do you know if there was someone?”

He turns his head away, seeming a bit uncomfortable, “I – I’m not sure” he says, “It’s not my place to tell you anything.”

“So you do know something” she grins, giving him a look, “Ugh, you’re way too loyal to him aren’t you. Guess he’ll have to tell me himself when he gets back.”

“Guess so.”

[…]

On his third night in Bucky’s room he finds it. A photo album.

It’s way too personal, and he shouldn’t. But he can’t stop himself, holding it in his hands and leafing through it. There’s pictures from a young Bucky, with his parents and sister.

But there’s recent photos too. Pictures that Steve doesn’t even know when he had them printed. There’s a picture of him in his army getup, probably taken the day he left home. He’s standing by the front door, looking towards the camera, and looking so young.

It takes him back to their first meeting. The way Bucky looked at him, the way Steve told himself not to read too much into it.

It takes him back to that moment his team came back and Bucky _wasn’t with them_. He barely remembers what happened after that. Or maybe he doesn’t want to remember. Being asked – well, told – to leave. It wasn’t part of his plan. His plan was to stay in the army until retirement. And now it wasn’t looking like that was going to happen.

He shakes his head a little, putting the album back on the desk and getting up again. It’s too early for bed, and he can hear Becca in the living area, walking around while the TV is on. She’s probably cleaning up, so he should help out.

“Hey” she smiles at him when he walks into the kitchen and grabs a towel to dry some dishes, “I thought you were gonna get an early night.”

“Nah” he smiles, “Can’t have you clean up by yourself.”

“I don’t know. Bucky never seems too bothered by it” she laughs, “He’s an absolute mess, to be honest.”

“Yeah?” Steve asks, he knows they have to keep tidy in their quarters, but apart from that he doesn’t know what it would be like to share an actual household with Bucky. Finding his bedroom in the exact same state as they left it probably said enough.

“Oh yeah, he’s the worst” she continues, “This one time I was gone for a week, and I came home to a pile of dishes in the sink. He’d done one load of laundry and managed to turn all his white shirts a light shade of blue. He tried to clean the bathroom, but he used some weird product on the floor and it was slippery for an entire week. Even after scrubbing it twice a day. He’s an absolute disaster.”

“I can’t even imagine” Steve says, “We have to keep tidy or we’ll get cleaning duty, so I’ve never seen him be messy.”

“Lucky you” she smiles as she looks down into the sink, washing up the last plate and then letting the water drain out.

“He did say that you were a neat freak” Steve says, “But now I’ve met you, I think he might have been exaggerating.”

“My brother is in fact a massive drama queen” Becca snorts, “You’ll find out.”

“I sure hope so” he replies quietly, not loud enough for Becca to hear.

They finish doing the dishes together, and as Steve dries the last plates Becca wipes down the counters.

“Want to watch crappy reality?” Steve asks her, she grins.

“New episode of say yes to the dress is on” she says, already changing the channel on the TV and pulling out a blanket.

They’re halfway through the episode when Becca drops it on him, “you don’t have a girl somewhere Steve?” she asks, “I’m sure you have been turning them down since you turned 15.”

“Ah, well” he scratches the back of his head, “I didn’t always used to look like this.”

“What’s that mean? Glasses and braces?”

“Not exactly. Scrawny asthma kid” he says, “I enrolled in some experimental program after my mom passed, and that really gave me a grow spurt.”

“So, you’re a successful science experiment?” she frowns, “How – why did you?”

“Honestly? My mom just died, I was all alone” he shrugs, “I didn’t have anything to lose. I wanted to join the army, like my father, and this was the way to do it. It was a gamble, but it was one that paid off. At least for me, they shut it down right after.”

“If it was successful, why didn’t they use it on more people?” she asks, he shrugs.

“Lots of reasons. When the results came in they wanted to dress me up and parade me around to gather funds for their war overseas” he laughs, “Turns out I do actually have body autonomy, no matter what experiments I agree to.”

“And they only tested it on you?” she asks.

“Yeah” he smiles weakly, “I don’t know the exact details. But it’s a lot of things coming together. They guy that recruited me and created the serum died. I don’t think he went peacefully in his sleep. The serum wasn’t easy to inject either, they built an entire machine for it, which was blown up. And then the government shut it all down, something about human rights violations or something.”

“Wow” she stares at him, “What – what exactly did the serum do?”

“A lot” he shrugs, “Super strength, speed, eidetic memory, I heal quite fast, I think faster… they scrapped my identity off all the documents. So they don’t know I’m the actual person. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have sent me home if they’d known that.”

“How long after did you enlist?”

“A year” he says.

“I have to say” she grins, “It does make me feel a bit better that you aren’t the way you are by nature.”

“Thanks” he laughs, it feels freeing, being able to finally tell someone about it, “Besides, you don’t have to worry about anything Becca. You’re a good looking girl.”

“Thanks” she looks at the TV for a moment, before glancing back at Steve, “Better watch yourself. A girl might think you’re flirting with her.”

“I’m sorry, Becs. But you’re really not my type” he says, Becca frowns.

“Oh, I’m sorry” she says, teasing him, “First I’m a good looking girl, and now I’m not your type.”

Steve goes quiet, avoiding her gaze, staring at the TV.

“Steve? Are you okay?” she frowns, “You know I’m just messing with ya, right?”

“I know” he says, “It’s just. I’m military.”

“I’m aware” she says, “Is that why you don’t date?”

“They say it’s okay” he says, “They don’t kick you out anymore. But still, it’s best not to tell.”

“Steve?”

“I was seeing someone before I enlisted” he says, “I thought we were getting pretty serious. But when I said I wanted to sign up he broke up with me.”

“Oh” she stares at him, “You like men.”

“Yeah” he smiles at her, “I’m fine with who I am. I’ve known since I was fifteen, came out to my mom the same year. First boyfriend at 16.”

“And since that guy before you enlisted? Anyone else?” she asks.

“I’m not sure” he shrugs, “Sometimes there’s a moment. There’s guys I think are cute, but nothing serious.”

It’s a lie, obviously. Of course there’s someone serious. Bucky.

But he can’t tell her that. It’s not up to him to out Bucky. At least not now. Not when there’s still a chance he can do it himself.

“What’re you thinking, Steve?” she asks.

He takes a deep breath and smiles, “I’m thinking, that this woman looks awful in that dress.”

“Oh god, yes” she laughs, “And why is it always couples that met in high school, love at first sight.”

“They’re always so young?” he agrees, “I mean, come on girl, you’re 21. You can barely drink, but you’re gonna love him forever?”

“Good for them that they still believe in love, but damn” she shakes her head.

“You don’t believe in love?” Steve asks, a bit surprised.

“I don’t know” she sighs, “My last two boyfriends cheated on me. Makes it hard to believe in Love. You still believe in it?”

“I do” he smiles, “There’s a guy – and – I don’t know. Every once in a while, when I look up and he’s looking at me – I swear my heart skips a beat.”

“Look at you, a true romantic” she grins, “Why aren’t you with him?”

“Military” he shrugs, “Maybe when he gets back, you know. When we’re both out. When the timing is right.”

“I hope it works out for you” she says, “You’re a pretty cool guy. I can see why Bucky likes ya.”

“Thanks” he smiles, “You’re pretty cool yourself.”

[…]

_“Stevie” Bucky whispers, “Stevie, wake up!”_

_Steve startles awake, looking straight into Bucky’s eyes._

_“What is it?” he asks, sitting up straight, “What’s going on.”_

_“Follow me” he whispers, holding out his hand. Steve takes it, he lets Bucky pull him up and he lets the man lead him wherever he wants to go._

_“Bucky, what is wrong?” he asks, voice low and quiet._

_“I just want some peace and quiet, a second alone” he says, he can’t even see Bucky’s face properly, a small reflection in his eyes and a vague line of his smile._

_“What if we get caught?” Steve asks, allowing Bucky to step closer to him._

_“We won’t” he mutters, placing his lips behind Steve’s ear, “I just want to say goodbye.”_

_“Goodbye?”_

_“I’m getting sent out on a mission tomorrow” he says, “I’m not allowed to tell you much about it, but it’s dangerous.”_

_“How dangerous, Bucky?” Steve asks, placing his hand on the man’s chest to create a bit of distance._

_“If – uhm. If something happens to me?” he says, “If I don’t come back, I need you to check up on Becca.”_

_“Bucky, you’re scaring me” he frowns, Bucky grabs his hand, pulling it to his chest._

_“Promise me” he says, “Promise on my life, Stevie.”_

_“Bucky, please don’t” he sighs, feeling Bucky’s heart beat in his chest, his hand held there by him._

_“Promise me, Stevie” he repeats._

_“Okay” he takes a deep breath, “I’ll check on your sister. I promise.”_

_“Thank you”_

_[…]_

Time passes. And every day it gets easier, and also harder.

Every day is another day without Bucky, but another day where she learns to live in a world without her brother. She can’t explain how much she misses him. At times it feels like maybe Steve would understand, but he’s an only child. How does she explain it to him? That she remembers her parents bringing him home, and holding him for the first time. She was only 4, so he was mostly just a baby laying in her lap. But she remembers promising to keep him safe. She remembers kissing his forehead, and holding his hand as he started walking.

She remembers that fear when he told her he enlisted.

She remembers the day their parents died and she was suddenly in charge of keeping him safe.

“Becca, you okay?” Steve asks, pulling her out of her thoughts, “You seemed very far away there for a moment.”

“Sorry” she gets up, “I was just – remembering things.”

“Oh” he nods, “So – uhm – I was thinking. Maybe we should go out tonight?”

“Out?”

“Yes” he nods again, “We’re young and attractive people. And we’ve been in this apartment for almost two months. You’ve only left for work, and I’ve only left to join you for groceries… I was thinking, maybe we could stop by the VA.”

“Veterans?” she frowns, “Why?”

“I – I heard they do group therapy” he shrugs, “Maybe it’s good to talk to people who understand.”

“It probably is” she agrees, “You know, it’s a good plan. What time do you want to leave?”

“An hour or two?”

“Perfect!”

[…]

“Honorable discharge” he says, “They sent me on leave first, but I got the news last week.”

“Have you told anyone?” the man asks, Steve looks around, a bunch of ex-military staring at him, and shakes his head. Becca is out for coffee, reading her book and looking at cute boys – as she said she would be doing.

“I – uhm” he takes a deep breath, “They sent me home because I had a panic attack after someone from my unit was captured. I was caught trying to sneak out to go find him.”

“And this someone? Who were they to you?”

“Nothing official” he says softly, “everything?”

“You were involved?” someone else asks.

“Kind of” he sighs, “A night together. A few kisses. A promise of growing old together. Not much privacy in the desert.”

“Is he?”

“Missing in Action” he says, “I’m staying with his sister. She doesn’t know the extent of our relationship. He hadn’t come out to her yet.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know” he laughs self-deprecatingly, “I just showed up on her doorstep uninvited and unannounced, and she let me in. We get along well. She knows I’m into guys, told her last week, but other than that. I have no plans for the future. Army was my life, my career plan. I never thought about anything past that.”

“We have programs to help you with that” the man says, Steve should really remember his name, he thinks as he glances at the nametag and sees _Sam._

“I guess I’ll have to look into it” he replies, staring down at his hands in his lap.

“Are they still looking for him?” a woman asks, “Do you know?”

“They never looked for him” he says, “Wasn’t worth the risk.”

“Fuck”

“I’m sure he’s still alive” he says, looking up at the woman, “He’s a stubborn little shit. Too stubborn to die. I like to believe that maybe I’d feel it if he was gone.”

“Even if he does show up” Sam says, “He might not be the same person he was before.”

“I know” he says, “But – I got to believe in something. At least for now.”

[…]

Dugan shows up at their doorstep two weeks later.

“Hey” Steve frowns, “Not that I’m unhappy to see you, but?”

“Ah, yes” he nods, “I had some leave and decided to come check on you guys after the news.”

“News?” Becca asks, appearing behind Steve.

“What news?” Steve asks, looking confused. Dugan’s face falls and then he frowns.

“You don’t know?” he asks, they both shake their head.

“Oh, fuck” he sighs, “Fuck. Uhm. Let’s go inside and sit down first.”

They found Bucky. Or at least – they find a part of him. And the world falls apart. Everything around him crumbles and he crumbles along with it.

Dugan looks uncomfortable, and Steve gets up abruptly.

“I” he takes a deep breath, “I need some air.”

He heads for the door and leaves.

Steve doesn’t know what to think, he doesn’t know what to do next. Sure, he’d thought about life without Bucky. But he never actually thought he would have to live it. He barely got to be with him. How was this fair?

He ends up at the VA, hoping to find Sam.

Sam finds him though.

“Steve?” his voice sounds distant, as if he’s shouting it through a fog, “Steve, are you okay?”

He places his hand on Steve’s shoulder, pulling him back into the present, “Steve? What happened?”

“I” he looks up, and then looks around, he’s sitting on the floor against the wall, no idea how he got there. He’s not wearing shoes.

“Come with me” he says, he pulls Steve up with surprising strength, and leads him into an office, “Steve, breathe!”

“I can’t” he tries, “I can’t breathe – he’s – Sam, I can’t.”

“Focus on the ticking of the clock” he says, “Breathe in, breathe out.”

It takes a while before he calms down, and Sam stays close, helps calm him down.

“They found his arm” he says after a long time of silence, “He’s – he’s gone.”

“I’m so sorry Steve” he says.

“We were going to grow old together” he says, “He promised me. I don’t know what to do next.”

“You don’t have to know yet” Sam says, “Right now, you can grieve. Figuring out what comes next, there’s will be time enough later on.”

“For the past few months I’ve been trying to remember” he says, “Trying to catalog things about him. The way he pronounced certain words with his Brooklyn accent. The way he would swipe his thumb over my cheek to calm me down. The way he’d say my name.”

He closes his eyes, pushing his palms against them, “How am I supposed to do life without him?”

Sam doesn’t reply to that. He just listens to Steve talk, and then they sit in silence.

[…]

“He’s been staying with you?” Dugan asks, Becca nods. She knows Dugan pretty well, he went to school with Bucky for a few years. They played on some team together. Back then she wasn’t that involved with her little brother’s life.

“Yes” she says, “It’s been nice having him around. Although I do feel like he misses the army.”

“Yeah, must have been a wreck after the news”

“News?” she frowns, she’d noticed his behavior change a bit, but she didn’t really think much of it.

“Honorable discharge” he says, “He’s lucky he got that much after what he tried to do.”

“What do you mean?” she frowns, “I thought they just sent him home after a panic attack.”

“Oh” he shakes his head lightly, “He didn’t tell you. I understand why he wouldn’t but – that’s not the whole story.”

“What happened?”

“After we came back, without Bucky, he kind of went mad” he says, “They caught him in the middle of the night, packing up to go look for Bucky himself. They were so close to accusing him of desertion. He got sent home, but a bunch of us had to testify in court about it.”

“So – him leaving the army wasn’t his choice?” she asks, he shakes his head.

“Not at all” he explains, “Steve was ready to make his career in it. A cause he believes in.”

“And he sacrificed all that to go look for Bucky” she mutters, looking at Bucky’s closed bedroom door. The one where Steve is currently residing.

“What did they do with it” she asks suddenly, Dugan frowns at her, not sure what she’s asking about, “His arm – what did they do with it?”

“I think it’s in the morgue” he says, “I don’t know much. Freaky thing is – they say it was removed surgically.”

“Why the fuck would they do that?”

“Their guess is either torture or experimenting” he takes a deep breath, “Both are awful.”

“But at least he’d be alive” she looks down, “Although – maybe that’s not – I mean – I don’t want him to be in pain. I want him alive, and here, at home, with me.”

“I know Becca, me too” he says, “Look – god, this sucks. I can’t stay. I got 5 days off, and my wife is – well, she understood that I wanted to drop by, but she’s only so patient.”

“Oh, god, of course” she gives him a week smile, “Go to her. I appreciate you checking in and updating us. I’ve always liked you most.”

“Thanks Becca” he smiles as they both get up, “If things get too tough, there’s a lot of support groups. I think there’s even a friends and family group at the VA.”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll look into it.”

[…]

Steve returns three hours later. He’s shivering slightly, his face looks pretty much blank. Empty of emotion. He sits down next to Becca, she’s still sitting in the exact same place she was when Steve left. He folds his hands in his lap and stares at them, taking a deep breath. And suddenly she knows it.

Suddenly she knows why Steve was ready to sacrifice everything for her brother. To walk away from the life he planned out for himself.

It’s all suddenly so clear.

“You love him, don’t you” Becca says, staring at his shaking hands.

“Yes” he confesses, “I do.”

“And he loves you” she says, it’s not a question.

“I – yes” he nods.

“Did – did you tell each other?” she asks, “Does he know?”

“When we came to Brooklyn together” he says, taking another deep breath and talking slowly, “We spent the night together – here – in his room. But when we got back, we didn’t talk about it. We couldn’t.”

“I’m sorry”

“No, it’s okay” he says, “Because I knew what we meant to each other. The night before he left, he came to me. And he said that he loved me. We kissed. And then he made me promise, he made me promise to come and check on you. Made me swear on his life.”

“Oh” she stares at him, “On his life.”

“Yes” he says, “Sneaky little shit. I know I’ve overstayed my welcome. But if I leave – I can’t.”

“He sent me a letter” she says, “It arrived the day after you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes” she nods, “He says I have to look after you. Says that he needs you to be okay.”

“He did?”

“You stay as long as you want, Steve” she says, “I like you. How could I not like someone that Bucky loves?”

“Thanks” he says quietly, “I – uhm. I’m really tired. Do you mind if I go to bed early?”

“No, of course not, Steve” she says, he smiled weakly at her. She gets it, he wants to be alone for a bit.

**[…]**

It’s been months. And although she doesn’t want to believe her brother is gone, she knows. She knows he’s most likely not coming back. And that’s okay. Well, no, it’s not.

But in sending Steve her way, Bucky gave her something. Someone to talk to, someone who understands.

See, growing up, Becca was never really good at making friends. Sure, she was popular, she had a few people she hung out with. But at the end of the school year, the friendships fell apart, she couldn’t seem to hold on to it. She couldn’t bring herself to care.

She’d much rather read a book, or go shopping with her mom. Work in the garden with dad, or ride their bikes through the street with her brother.

She didn’t need anything else, or anyone else.

When she turned 17, she started looking at boys. And she was pretty enough for them to look at her as well. So it was good. She had her family and her boyfriend, for as long as they’d last.

And then disaster struck, three weeks after her 22rd birthday.

And suddenly she was there, in a big house, with her 18 year old brother.

Just the two of them.

She’d made the decisions. Sold the house, bought an apartment in the city. Closer to Bucky’s school, closer to her job. The sale of the house gave them enough to buy the apartment and set a bit aside for a rainy day.

She never imaged she’d have to use that money for a funeral.

Bucky enlisting was not something she agreed with at first, she’d screamed at him, and shouted. Maybe even threw something at him.

But after a while, after seeing the peace it brought to him, she made peace with it.

He promised her to come home safely.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he sent home Steve.

Steve, who chases the empty silence out of the apartment just by being there. Steve who watches crappy reality with her, and who knows what it feels like to miss Bucky.

“You know what’s weird” Steve says one evening, the Tv-show they’ve been watching has ended and the credits are rolling, “I keep thinking about the last time I saw him. And I realized, I didn’t even see him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He came to me, at night. It was dark, and I could barely see him. Just the moonlight reflecting in his eyes. But apart from that, all there was was his voice, and his hand on my cheek” he closes his eyes, “I just miss him so much sometimes, it’s like I can’t breathe.”

She’s not sure what to say, so she doesn’t say anything, just envelops him in a hug.

“The last time I saw him was on a video call” she says, “Do you remember that day? You showed up on the background, did a little double take and then you walked towards him and threw an arm around his shoulder.”

“I do remember that”

“You know what I thought?” she laughs, “I thought, who’s this asshole, interrupting and taking away time from my call?”

“Oh, damn. So I didn’t make a good first impression, huh?” he asks, Becca smiles at him.

“You did though” she says, “Because right after, you made him laugh. My brother, in the middle of a warzone, who hadn’t laughed since our dad told the worst joke ever at that last thanksgiving dinner – laughing. Because of you.”

“Oh.”

“See, I should’ve realized at that moment that he loves you” she sighs, “But I was too distracted at that moment.”

“The first time we met – he stuck up for me” Steve says, “Our trainer – he said some homophobic joke. I don’t even remember what Bucky said exactly, I just remember thinking he was someone I wanted to know.”

“So, how did this thing happen between you?”

“It took a while” he says, “Not a lot of privacy. But there’s this training, where they drop you in the woods in pairs – and you have to find your way back to base. No help, nothing. They test your ingenuity and survival skills.”

“You got paired with Bucky?”

“Yeah” he smiles, “We started arguing about which way we had to go. And then he told me to stop distracting him. Everything kind of – unraveled after that.”

They don’t go to sleep that night. They talk all through the night, sharing memories, little things Bucky used to do that makes them smile.

It feels like saying goodbye to him, and it’s peaceful.

At 6am they move from the couch to the kitchen table, Becca going to the machine to make them some coffee.

“I have to tell you something” Steve says, staring at his hands.

“What?” she asks, pushing a cup of coffee towards him.

“I was discharged from the army” he says, “So – I won’t be going back.”

“I’m sorry, Steve” she says, “I know how much it means to you.”

“It’s okay” he shakes his head, “I just wish I was there, looking for Buck.”

“I wish that too” she says, “Although, I’d miss you!”

“I’d miss you too” he smiles at her, “You’re my favourite person.”

“Aw, you’re too kind.”

“Do you think we’ll be okay without him?” he asks after a beat of silence.

“I don’t know” she says, “I think so – eventually. We’ll have to be, I guess.”

She takes a breath, ready to finish her thought on the subject when Steve’s phone starts ringing loudly. He frowns at the screen and picks up, Steve doesn’t get a lot of calls. Most people that would call him aren’t close to phones most of the time.

She can’t quite decipher his face, she doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Okay, email me all the details” he says, then hangs up, his face still unreadable.

“They found Bucky” he says, still holding the phone. Her face falls, her breathing stops and she freezes. It’s all their worst fears come to life. She knew it was coming, of course she knew. After they found his arm it was the only outcome.

“No, no” he continues, a hesitant smile on his face, “He’s alive, Becca! He’s alive!”

“He’s alive?” she asks, he nods, “How?”

“Like I told you” he laughs, “He’s a stubborn little shit.”

“Oh god” she laughs too, “He’s alive.”

“Yes” he nods again, “They’re flying him in tonight, and he should be back tomorrow evening.”

[…]

He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive.

Steve keeps repeating it to himself as he grabs a bag and some clothes, fully ready to camp out in the hospital next to Bucky’s bed.

Dugan said he was in bad shape, but more or less healthy. Which is a contradiction, and he doesn’t know what to expect.

He’s missing an arm, at least he knows that.

It’s been 10 months.

They’d sent Becca a flag.

They were going to start planning a ceremony.

But he’s here, and he’s alive.

_He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive._


	2. take me out, and take me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky us found

He’s in bad shape.

But he’s awake, and conscious.

“See, once they caught me they figured I was the perfect person for their experiment” he says, “Bionic limbs as weapons. Except I wasn’t missing a limb. So they had to fix that.”

“They cut off your arm on purpose?” Becca asks, completely horrified.

“Yes” he nods, “They needed me alive for their experiments, so those first few they took good care of me.”

“And after that?” Steve asks, his hand is on Bucky’s forehead, softly stroking his hair.

“Things were pretty shitty” he says, “Thing is, they forgot one essential thing while experimenting on me.”

“What’s that?” Steve frowns.

“Don’t give your enemy a weapon” he grins bitterly. The arm is still attached to him, but they powered it down. Or they weren’t able to find a decent power source to make it work. All of it is way beyond her technical comprehension.

“How attached is it?” Becca asks, staring at the ting.

“Very” he says, “They wired it into my nervous system.”

“Oh”

“Yeah. They’re bringing in that genius fella, Stark?” he says, “Apparently he’s out of selling weapons, but they told him about my case and he’s hella interested.”

“I’m glad you’re okay’ Becca says, kissing the back of his hand, “More or less. I’m so glad you’re home.”

“I’m glad to be home” he smiles, and Steve is surprised by the fact that he’s still smiling after everything he’s been through, “I’m glad you two get along.”

“I missed you”

“I missed you too” he replies, glancing at his sister, “Becca – could you give us a moment?”

She looks at them, at Steve’s pleading expression, and nods.

“I’ll go see if they have some coffee out here.”

“Oh, god yes. I missed coffee so much” Bucky says, smiling as she closes the door behind her.

“I can’t believe you’re here” Steve mutters as soon as the door closes, “With me again. Finally.”

“I missed you so much, babe” Bucky says, he reaches out his arm and touches Steve’s cheek. Steve sinks into the touch.

“I thought – for a moment there” he takes a deep breath, and Bucky pulls him towards him, their foreheads touching.

“Never” he whispers, pulling him just that little bit closer so they can share a kiss.

It’s soft, and chaste, and a bit salty from the tears. But it makes Bucky shudder, in a good way, and it sets Steve’s heart at ease.

“I’m here” he says, “With you. Until the end of the line.”

“You promise?”

“Yeah, Stevie. Never leaving your side again.”

“That’s good, because I kind of took over your bedroom” Steve says, kissing him again, Bucky’s smiling against his lips.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind sharing” he says, another soft kiss.

There’s a knock on the door, and they pull apart before it opens.

“I got your coffee” Becca says, setting it down on the table by the bed.

“Thanks” Bucky sighs, glancing at Steve, and then his sister, “I – can you come sit down? I have to tell you something.”

She takes the empty chair by the bed again, giving him a slightly amused look.

“What’s up Bucky?” she asks.

“Thing is, uhm, Steve and I” he takes another deep breath, fuck, this is not as easy as he thought it was going to be.

“I already know, Buck” she says.

“Know what?” he asks, not sounding very convincing, he’ll blame that on the heavy drugs he’s on.

“Bucky, they found your arm” she says, “Steve and I were together when Dugan showed up and told us. I know.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” he whispers softly, “I wanted to. I just. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“It’s okay” she smiles, “As long as you’re happy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”

“Bucky?” Steve cuts in, making Bucky turn towards him, his hand is still stroking his hair. He uses the opportunity to lean towards him, slowly, giving Bucky every change possible to stop him, and then kisses him again.

He’s ready to slowly pull back when Bucky makes a protesting noise, chasing after him for another kiss.

It’s at that exact moment that the door swings open.

The man that walks in grins at the sight, “Oh – looks like I’m interrupting a happy reunion” he says, “Sorry fellas. I was told to come here to check out some fancy tech.”

“You Stark?” Becca asks, the man nods.

“Then you’re in the right room” Bucky says, “Feel free to take a look. Just remember that it’s wired into my nervous system to make it work.”

“Gotcha.”

Becca and Steve leave the room, giving Tony Stark a chance to do his work and check out the arm.

[…]

“He seems – okay?” Becca says hesitantly, looking up at Steve sitting across from her in the empty waiting room.

“I’m worried” Steve says, “He went through something huge. Maybe he hasn’t fully processed it yet?”

“They said he was unconscious for most of the traumatizing stuff” Becca says, “Do you think that might have saved him?”

“I honestly don’t know” he bites his lip nervously, “I texted Sam, he’s a therapist and knows way more about it. He’s willing to take Bucky’s case.”

“Oh”

Another silence falls between them, and Becca doesn’t know what’s going through Steve’s mind. He looks nervous, staring at his hands resting in his lap, they’re shaking.

“I’m scared I’m going to wake up soon, and none of this is real” he says quietly, still not looking up.

“Yeah” she admits, “Me too. But it’s real”

“It’s real” he says, “He’s here.”

[…]

Sam keeps his promise. He shows up at the hospital the next day, finding Steve sleeping in the chair next to the bed. Becca had to go back to work and couldn’t stay.

“Steve?” Sam whispers, softly tapping his shoulder. He startles awake.

“Oh, hi”

He rubs his eyes, sitting up a bit straighter.

“How are you doing, Steve?” he asks, smiling at him.

“I’m good” he shrugs, glancing at Bucky – who’s still asleep – “More or less.”

“So this is him?” he asks, Steve nods, Bucky stirs.

He leans over, placing his hand on Bucky’s forehead and carding his fingers through his hair.

Bucky blinks, staring up at Steve and smiling.

“You know” he says, “I dreamt about waking up like this for months. Am I still dreaming?”

“I’m here” Steve says, “You’re here.”

He takes Bucky’s hand, placing it over his heart so he can feel it beat, “We’re here.”

“Okay” he replies, “Okay.”

“I invited someone I’d like you to meet” Steve says finally, “Bucky – this is Sam.”

“Sam?” he asks, glancing suspiciously at Steve, “Stevie, who is this guy to you?”

“I met Sam at the VA” he says, “He’s my friend.”

“Oh” Bucky looks down.

“Babe” Steve takes a deep breath, “Sam is a therapist. I asked him to come over so you can talk to him – about what happened.”

“I’m not sure if I can, Stevie” he whispers.

“That’s okay” Sam says, “I’m just here to let you know that, if you are ready – I’m available.”

“It’s not just that” he says, “I was on a confidential and secret mission – I don’t think I’m allowed to share.”

“Well – I’m still enlisted by the army to work in the VA” he says, “And I have patient doctor confidentiality. But if you’re worried, we can always check.”

“Talking doesn’t just have to be about what happened to you” he continuous, “It’s about how you are coping, what changed for you. How you think life is different being back home.”

“I’ll think about it” Bucky says.

“I joined group therapy” Steve tells Bucky, “After you – disappeared. It really helped me a lot.”

“I’m sorry”

“Sorry for what Buck?”

“For not coming back” he says, blinking rapidly to stop himself from crying, “I promised you I would come back.”

“You did” Steve says, “You’re here, aren’t you.”

“I’ll leave you two” Sam says, getting up again, “Steve, I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah” he nods, “Thank you.”

He nods before leaving the room, leaving Bucky and Steve by themselves.

[…]

The day Bucky gets to go home is one that Steve has been waiting for forever. After a long talk together, Steve had come to the conclusion that he wanted to go into teaching. He applied at a few schools to teach PE and was hired for a part time job, provided that he also started studying for his teaching degree. So he enrolled in a community college for a required classes, and went to school during evenings. He would be teaching a few hours PE during the day, and spending the rest of his time at the hospital until Bucky got sick of his face and kicked him out.

The best part of his day was spending time with Bucky, finally getting a chance to get to know each other better – and falling even more in love with him.

He takes turn visiting him with Becca. Which means he’s mostly alone in the apartment, which kind of sucks. The few times they’re in the apartment together, is when Bucky has his Physical Therapy, or when Stark is working on his arm.

“So” Steve says, it’s late and they’re alone at the hospital, “Have you thought about what you want to do after you get out?”

“I have, actually” he says, “Watching Tony work on my arm, it’s really interesting, and I’ve been thinking, maybe mechanical engineering?”

“That sounds pretty cool, actually” he says, “You’re going back to school as well?”

“Yeah” he smiles, “I was talking about it to Tony and he offered to pay for it.”

“Seriously?” he grins, “Babe, that’s awesome! He must really believe in you!”

“He left me some books” he says, nodding to the bedside table, “Told me to get a headstart, it’s pretty cool.”

“I’m really happy you found something you love, Bucky” he smiles. They’re at the hospital, but it’s more of a revalidation center. There’s a bed, but not a hospital bed. There’s a little lounge area, with a TV and two couches. A table with two chairs to eat at, and a corner with a coffee machine and a waterkettle to make hot drinks. Steve is pretty sure that Bucky is only still here because they’re scared about his psyche, and his arm.

“I can’t wait to get out of here” he says, taking Steve’s hand and kissing the back of it, “To come home to you.”

“And Becca”

“And Becca” he adds, snortin, “I’m going crazy in here, babe.”

“Have they said anything?” he asks, there’s surprisingly little information.

“Tony said he will probably end up removing the arm and building me a new one” he says, “The military appears to want it for research reasons. They’re scared it might be an explosive, or a listening device, a GPS.”

“But what will happen to you?” he asks.

“Ah, if they remove it, I will be moved to Tony’s facility. He says I’ll have to stay for a few days, and then I can go home and come in twice a week for extra tests.”

“And if they don’t remove it?”

“Then I’ll be here for a long, long time.”

[…]

In then end Tony Stark takes the arm off, he works together with Shuri to make a new one.

One that isn’t attached to a traumatizing memory.

“How does it feel?” Steve asks him, Bucky smiles.

“It feels like it’s mine” he says, he’s been back at his own home for 3 weeks now, finally getting discharged from the hospital a few weeks ago.

“I’m glad, Bucky” he smiles at him, reaching out to take his hand, “It’s good to have you home.”

He agrees, it’s good to be somewhere that isn’t constantly monitored, not to be looked at like someone to be scared off. Even though it was mostly just aimed at the arm.

Steve was never scared of the arm, it’s like he doesn’t realize the damage it could do to him.

“How do you do that?” Bucky asks, watching as Steve takes his metal hand into his own, “How do you act like you’re not afraid of what it could do.”

“Because – I’m not afraid.”

“Maybe you should be” he says, “It could crush your hand.”

“Ah – well” he says, scratching the back of his head with his free hand, “Thing is – it could, probably, but I’d heal really fast and it wouldn’t leave any permanent damage?”

“Wait? What?” he frowns, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well, a lot of it is confidential” he says, “But before I enlisted I signed up for some experiment and it worked out really well for me. They shut it down, so I was the only specimen.”

“Experiment?”

“Enhanced strength, hearing, healing, speed” he shrugs, “A lot of things.”

“Who knows about this?”

“A handful of people” he says, “The army doesn’t, Becca knows. I told her.”

“So – I can’t hurt you with it?” he asks.

“It would still hurt” he says, “But not for long.”

“Oh” he smiles weakly, “So you’re not scared of it at all?”

“It’s a bit weird, not gonna lie about that” he says, “But no, Bucky. I’m not scared. I could never be scared of you, babe.”

“Thank you” he says, pulling Steve closer and kissing him, “For waiting.”

“What else was I going to do?”

[…]

Living with Steve is everything he imagined. Waking up next to him, kissing him whenever he wants, talking to each other – being able to just stare at him. They’re home now, in the small apartment they share with Bucky’s sister. There’s a storm going on outside, he can hear the rain fall against the windows.

“Stop staring” Bucky says, he’s got his back towards Steve. But he knows, he hasn’t heard him turn a page of his book in a while now.

Steve, who is currently not studying, but staring at him.

Steve, who got him what he needed to recover, before Bucky himself even knew he needed it. God, how he loves this man.

Steve keeps staring at him, Bucky pretends to hate it, but it makes his heart flutter. Sometimes he can’t help himself from grinning like an idiot, the thought of knowing someone loves him that much.

“Never” he says, “You’re too pretty.”

“Ugh” he laughs, “You gotta study babe, or you’ll never get that teaching degree.”

“Fine” he sighs, “But when I’m done with this chapter, I want a kiss.”

“Whatever you want, Stevie” he says, he can hear Steve get up behind him.

“Is that a promise?” he asks, he’s still got his back towards him.

“Yeah” he sighs, putting down his book and finally turning towards the love of his life, who is down on one knee and holding out a ring.

“What if I want you to be my husband?” he asks, “Would you agree to that?”

“Yes” he says, “Yes.”

“You’ll marry me?”

“Yes, you idiot” he laughs, “Holy shit.”

Steve is shaking slightly as he places the ring on Bucky’s finger, and then pulls him towards himself for a kiss.

“I can’t wait to marry you” Steve whispers to him.

“I can’t wait to be your husband” Bucky replies.

[…]

He’s been good, being home again has been good. Especially being home with Steve. They’d fit together in a way Bucky never would’ve dreamed. It’s a bit strange, at times, with his sister being around. But he likes having her close, especially after being apart from her for such a long time.

It’s just another regular day, Steve being at work, and him being home and getting ready for physical therapy. He’s slightly distracted when he does it, normally he knocks, he always knocks before going into his sister’s room. Expect this time he doesn’t.

“Hey, Becca, have you seen my sweater lying around somewhere?” he asks pushing open her bedroom door and walking in, “Uhm - sis? Why are there so many boxes?”

“What boxes?” she replies, folding a sheet and placing it into a box, “Why didn’t you knock?”

“I’m sorry” he frowns, “Are you moving out?”

“Ah, well” she bites her lip, scratching the back of her neck, “I didn’t know how to tell you?”

“Is this because of Steve and I” he says, “You don’t have to leave, we’ll find another place!”

“No” she says quickly, “No, you don’t have to leave. I – uhm – ah, shit, I should’ve told you this weeks ago.”

“Told me what?” he asks, “Where are you going to live anyways? Did you get a raise at work?”

“Well, I am moving in with Sam” she says, “We’ve kind of been dating?”

“Sam?” he stares, “Steve’s Sam? Sam Wilson Sam?”

“Yeah” she says, “Him.”

“When? How?”

“Ah, see” he sighs, “I met him before you came back, since he and Steve became good friends. And then when I went to pick up Steve from group therapy, we ended up talking. He said to call if I ever felt the need to talk, gave me his number.”

“And you called him?”

“I texted him” she says, “we met up for drinks, drinks turned into dinner, and then suddenly it was 2 am and we’d been talking the whole time.”

“Are you happy?” he asks.

“Yeah, Bucky” she smiles, “I am.”

“Okay” he nods, “That’s good. Sam is a good guy.”

“Bucky” she says, as he turns around to leave the room, he pauses, turning back towards her, “I’m glad you’re happy too.”

[...]

1 year later

"When I first met Bucky, he stood up for me" Steve says, "And at first I felt too proud to accept it. But Bucky has this way to make you accept things"

he glances down at him and grins, "And then we grew close, and fell in love" he continues, "As you are all aware, we've had some bumps on the way. But I like to believe that our love can survive anything. Even is that's cheesy.

"So cheesy."

"Loving Bucky has made me cheesy as hell" he says, "I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you. For coming home to me. Every single time."

"Always, babe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit's weird.  
> We're in lockdown, I'm home sick (already feeling better, no worries)  
> I'm listening to Bastille livestream on insta, trying to figure out how to do this distance teaching, and hoping this thing doesn't last too long.
> 
> But I guess we'll get through this together.
> 
> I'm already busy thinking up a new fic, hopefully I'll find the focus to write it soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky goes missing.  
> They find him in the end  
> chapter two will be his return and how they deal with it.


End file.
